Every Day

“Disappointment is the consequence of endless ambition.”

—Mark Epstein, Advice Not Given

They say that as you get older you get wiser. I certainly hope this is the case because it makes no sense that I should go forward in life always disappointed in myself.

I realized recently that no matter what I accomplish in a day, I have a lingering feeling of not measuring up—of being a kind of failure. I have an internal monologue continually running like a tape recorder in my head. It scolds me that managing a household, a business and a family is not good enough and insists on an additional list of tasks:

“You must run, lift weights and do yoga every day or your body will fall apart.”

“You must watch what you eat every day, or you will get fat and have a heart attack or stroke.”

“You must do something worthwhile every day or you will be a social parasite.”

“You must connect with members of your family and friends every day or you will be left alone in the world.”

“You must keep up with the news every day or you will be ignorant.”

“You must read books every day or you will be narrow.”

“You must do your spiritual practice every day or you will lose awareness.”

“You must write every day or you will lose your momentum.”

And this internal monologue returns—you got it!—every day.

Of course, when you think about it logistically, it is impossible to do all of these things every day, which explains why I feel I am a failure. It finally occurred to me that, if something is impossible to do, then it is the definition of madness—or at least outright stupidity—to continue trying to do it. My mind is the source of my problem: it has created an impossible image of myself. It is time to start talking back to my mind, to serve it with a “cease and desist” order immediately, even though I wonder what will be left of me when I take away that hidden voice telling me what I must do every day.

It’s not that taking care of my body, contributing to society, doing my writing, etc., are not important and worthy activities. It’s just that I need to adjust the tasks to fit reality. So, I have stumbled upon a solution that creates a new image for myself. I won’t commit to doing anything every day (except hopefully getting out of bed). Instead, I will give myself permission to do something from each category every day—just one thing: one thing for my body, one thing for my mind, one thing for other people, and one piece of business.

And when my energy is really low, maybe it will be enough to just do one thing from the entire list of things— every day.